I am five years old laying by the bank of a lake, shivering in my multiple layers of long johns, nuzzling into my dog for warmth, and fearing my father has abandoned me. "He does not want me, so he has left me. Or I am so unimportant that he has forgotten me. Or I am so small and little that he cannot find me. Oh, but the stars are so beautiful. There's Orion. I wish my dad would come back so I can show him I know how to find Orion."

The Hunter, the Poet, and the Pheasant is a conversation I never had with my father but that always lingered as a possibility. When hunting, we entered a sacred space--long hours spent together with our words threatening to scare off the animals. Each conversation felt like a test to win his approval or a trial to show how much I knew about the world. As fond as my memories are, it was a frightening time for a child. I'd never thought I'd write about it, let alone turn it into a game.

Jam Start

When Velox Formido 2 started, I was asleep in my friend's dorm room in a different country. I had an idea I liked and that fit most of the possible themes, so I spent my time at the airport and on the plane planning the gui, designing the mechanics, and creating an outline. The theme finally dropped right as they made the announcement my train was delayed... well fuck!

The one theme I couldn't shoehorn into the game I had been planning was the theme chosen, of course. I'd have to pivot, and I'd have to do it fast. Luckily, a scene from The Well of Loneliness was stuck in my mind and it fit the theme when you squinted just right. It was of Stephen chasing a fox and believing she's being hunted herself. She realizes she's not like the hunters; she's their prey. I was mad I had wasted all my time on the plane, but this was an idea I could work with. I couldn't get too angry.

Writing

Initially, I wanted to copy the scene as it was written--a hunter chasing a fox. But it felt wrong. I didn't know fox hunting. I couldn't relate to being on a horse and following a pack of dogs, even if the writing could make me imagine it. It felt like a sport for rich gents. That's not the story I wanted to tell.

I'm ten years old hunting pheasants with my dad and our dogs. I have the bird in my sights but I don't shoot. I'm afraid the recoil from the shotgun will shatter my shoulder, and I hate how loud the blast is in my ear. My dad does not hide his disappointment. "I can't shoot for you." The next time there is a bird, I shoot. I miss. I hadn't even bothered aiming.

I'll be honest, I was afraid to write a hunting story. I wasn't sure how people would respond to it, if they'd hate me for admitting I'd held a gun. It's so unlike every other premise I'd seen, but the reality is there are people who've hunted--who hunt. There's a beauty to it even as there's unmistakable violence to it. If one of the best tools a writer has is their lived experiences, then I shouldn't let anything discount mine. It was the perfect premise.

The writing came easy and it came quick. There's a child and a father who never quite understand each other, desperately searching for some source of connection, too fundamentally different to bridge the gap. It's a story about love and how love isn't enough. It's a story about learning to listen and learning to respond. It's a story about not focusing on the gray blue grass when your child just admitted they wish they could drown.

The hardest part was writing the poetry, but I tried not to think about it and to just write it as quickly as possible. I know I am not a poet, and I do not pretend to be. If it's bad, I can say it's because it's meant to be written by a child. A better writer would've included even more poetry. A better game designer would've let the player make their own. Sorry for giving you neither.

Sound

I wanted to add lots of sound effects. I really did. Something like Under the Lighthouse that notes how characters movements would result in sounds and then brings those sounds to life. Sadly, I didn't have the time or the brains to make it happen. I found one background noise and called it a day. I'm sorry there's an owl happily hooting in the bright sun.

Art

Initially, I was only going to use one background, but I realized I needed to convey how long this whole affair was. Going hunting with someone means being stuck with them for hours. The characters aren't stagnant. They're moving, and time is passing. "Wow, look at the lake!" says the child to the same lake that's been there since the first scene.

The interface came easy once I figured out how to code it. Let's ignore the fact I spent an hour learning how to position the dialogue how I wanted it before realizing what I actually wanted (and what was way easier to code) was the NVL function. The inspiration for the dialogue position came from You'll Never Catch Me Leaving and also a bit of Disco Elysium. The idea to only use dialogue and no description came from Under the Lighthouse.  This game was truly an amalgamation of inspiration that's been floating in my head.

The Endings

There are three characters in this game (sorry Bo, you're more of a prop), so it made sense to have three endings. One where you try in the end to be a hunter, only to crash and burn because it goes against who you are. One where you stick to your instincts of being a poet, which drives a wedge between you and your father, ultimately leaving you abandoned. And one where you try to be both, ultimately realizing you can never please yourself or your dad unless you commit fully to one path or the other. I'm pleased with the endings, and I like the choices I wrote, but I wish I had the time (and the brains) to push it even further. If you try to please your dad the entire time, he should notice. If you stick to your own ideals, it should create more tension. If you're wishy washy, it should leave you both confused. It's one of my bigger regrets of the game.

Final Thoughts

I really enjoyed making and playing this one! Even as I'm not the poet (poetry, ew), there are still areas where I see myself in this character. Even as my dad is not the hunter, the conversations that meant nothing, that meant everything, are very real. So far, everyone has been very kind about this game and the writing seems to have resonated in all the ways I feared it wouldn't. If it wasn't for the themed jam, I don't think I would have ever created this game. If it wasn't for the short time limit, I don't think it would have ever been as honest as it is. While of course I see areas for improvement, I love this game more than I hate it, and I'm glad I made it.

Maybe, in some way, we're all the pheasant just trying to live his life.